As some of you are aware, at the end of each quarter, we match whatever our boys have managed to save from their allowances. Not only does this simple practice encourage them to save and promote their understanding of how money & credit work (something that should be a regular course of study in American elementary and high schools; but sadly, most college graduates and adults don’t even have a grasp on), it has also allowed the opportunity to engage them in the practical application of some life lessons.
The most recent case in point would be this morning when my 8 yr old banker reminded me that it is the end of the last quarter. Who would’ve expected? :) So off they went to get their banks and figure out how much they have earned.
As has become the norm for the last few quarters our 7yr old, David, finished calculating his savings, rounded it to the nearest dollar and gleefully comes to me and his Mom in the kitchen to tell us how much more he is due. His beaming attitude and smile were both quickly shattered, however, when his older brother comes in stating his amount – it was twice as much.
With his eyes beginning to well-up with tears, he let out a painful, “Jack gets more than me!” and climbed into my lap. His mom reminded him that he borrowed some money from her a month or more back to purchase a toy when they were out shopping one day and he had to pay her back when they got home, using some of the money that was a gift from an uncle (at that time, it was a simple lesson in “credit”… with no interest ;) ).
So my natural question to my sad little boy was, “What did you get?” hoping to remind him of all the fun he’s been able to have instead of coldly hoarding all of his cash. Needless to say, that toy is broken and gone. – Now how many adults do we all know that would be in this same situation made worse by adding interest to the loan and now having to continue making the payments? … all while blaming the creditor for lending them the money in the first place, of course.
So today’s lesson changed from its intended, “It’s Good to Have Fun with Some of Our Money” to “Not Basing Our Self Worth on the Other Guy”.
“Remember how happy you were“, I started to David, “when you figured out how much more you were getting?”
He nodded in agreement.
“What changed?”
“Jack’s getting more than me!” he repeated, as if I didn’t understand the weight of the situation from his first exclamation.
“Okay. But what changed to make you so unhappy? How much less are you going to get since he’s been disciplined enough to acquire more for himself?”
He raised his head off my shoulder to give me a puzzled yet still disgruntled look. Not because he doesn’t understand the question (since I help expand their vocabulary in these instances, the situation dictating an understanding of the message) but because he doesn’t understand why, all of a sudden, he would be getting less. That wasn’t the problem… or even a remote possibility.
“How much less?” I repeated.
“Nothing.” was his dead-panned answer.
We went on to discuss how his brother’s diligence had no effect what-so-ever on his personal circumstance and that he was still getting everything he earned.
I know it’s hard to be happy for someone else when they have or get more then us, damn hard. But after exercising this practice for a while, like any other habit, it gets easier and easier until we finally realize that whatever someone else earns is good for them. It’s not bad for us.
Unfortunately, dealing with some people is a lot like like crabbing. If you’ve never done it, let me just tell you what anyone who’s grown up on the East Coast can confirm: You don’t need a lid on your basket until it starts to get too full.
The reason being that as long as you have more than one crab in the basket, as one tries to climb his way up, the others will literally grab and claw at him until they pull him back down – every single time without fail. They will spend all their energy and effort to keep him right where they are.
After forty-some-odd years floating around on this ball of mud, I can share that I’ve learned it is far better to applaud someone’s successes, to support their growth and wish even more for them, than it is to eat ourselves alive with anger and envy.
Eventually, you’ll find yourself surrounded with like-minded people, whichever option you choose. And if you don’t deliberately choose, a choice will be made for you by default. A choice to make no effort is still a choice.
That’s not to say that once we learn to genuinely hope for another’s success that the narrow-minded “He’s-getting-more-than-me” slugs won’t always be around. You can bet you’re bottom dollar they’ll be around… and they’ll usually be crying quite loudly to anyone willing to lend an ear.
But it is to say that if those types of individuals are to be any good to us at all, it is that they unwittingly help us grow our appreciation for our ever-strengthening support system and make us want to do more for anyone in that network every day.
I could continue on about turning the other cheek and the positive effects of blessing those that curse you, but that’s a whole ‘nother post for another day. :)
